Lifting Up 2012

A New year strikes again.
It seems like every year I make a goal that will instill improvement in my life. Some of my past goals have been to gain weight, run a marathon, vacation outside the U.S. And somehow each goal seems to roll on to the next year. This year I'm trying something different. I'm gonna try to help the world out a little. Instead of improving myself, My goal this year is to try to improve as many people as I can. I heard a quote today and it said "Be the change you want to see" After hearing that bit if striking imagery I'd like to post some of my goals for 2012. I can use all the help I can get, so please feel free to make them your own and spread the word.I am a member of a pretty well known church. I love my faith, however I feel that a lot of people in my ward meetings have lost sight of some things that matter most. I don't have one single close friend in my ward. Not one. There is nobody that I would feel comfortable calling up if I was having a bad day. Not a soul that I think I would want to call if I had gotten a flat tire. I consider that a problem. After all we do call each other "Brothers and sisters". I'm aiming for the people like me. The ones who are SCREAMING inside saying "HEY! There's nothing wrong with me why are you ignoring me?" I'm gonna befriend the Elders who got sent home. I'm gonna put my arm around that guy who is staring at the ground. I'm torn because I have been in those shoes.A goal of mine is to lift others up. They say to loose your burdens you must first lift up anther's. There is hurt EVERYWHERE. I'll admit, I've been a terd myself at some points. I've hurt some people by my words or actions, but improvement is my goal. I've got a yellow rubber armband that says "LIVESTRONG", A ring that says "CTR", abbreviated for Choose The Right. I'm going to make/order another band that says "Lift and Strengthen" It's gonna remind me of what I'm supposed to be and do. A true friend. If anyone wants one let me know I'm sure you gotta order like 20 or something. Lets start strengthening those feeble knees. There are broken homes, disabilities, fears, disorders, and unless you've got the magnifying glass of friendship, You'll never see it. Let's strengthen our stakes, our families, and our communities. Let's declare war on those broken homes, lonely nights, Let's make our kids have a new rule of picking teams on the playground; the kid who gets picked last goes on the winning team.
I know this sound somewhat euphoric. I know there are going to be rough days. Life happens. What I'm going for is letting it happen, but still have someone that can say "dang man, That sucks. How can I help?"

2012. Let's Strengthen.

You know when you're in my town...

You know when you're in my town...

You know you are in my town when you cross a bridge and on the other side the first thing you see is open pasture with cows, windmills, and a big church in the distance. You know it's MY town because on a Friday night all the trucks are parked around the football or baseball field, during the day, there are tractors parked in the student parking lot. When they're not playing ball, or plowing their fields, you can bet there is a bonfire out in the wash somewhere. It sounds like a country song or like a storybook, but truth is, that's really what it's like. 
You don't get much rap music thumping around here, if you do it's either Mr. Gartin or Mr. Clerc down for the weekend visiting the family. Our taste of music is the singular country station polluted with a light static, but we don't mind it. We just listen anyway. 
There's people who say the small town feel doesn't exist anymore. Well tell them to come on over and mom will bake the meanest apple pie they've ever had, and prove them wrong. 
This place is something you have to experience. I can't tell you what it's like, but if you listen to a few country songs you can get a taste of it. Kinda like a light blue faded Levi feel. It's just comfortable.

Life's Good

My instructor has a saying he uses almost every day in class. He usually poses it in the form of a question, and it's almost as if he's asking "do you understand" or "we are continuing on now"
the phrase: Life's Good.
He'll explain some procedures and proceed like: "Now that we know the planes center of gravity, life's good right?" then finish up the rest of the steps to the problem.
Life's good. Thats an interesting way of putting it. 
Every year, every single aircraft in the sky undergoes an annual inspection which is mandatory for the FAA. As part of this inspection, the main support beams are checked for cracks corrosion and dents. The steering controls are checked for proper function and balance. The skin of the plane is inspected for missing rivets. Not only the engine, but all of the fuel lines are checked and scrutinized. 
Our lives are flying right before our eyes. Are we in good shape structurally and internally? When was the last time we took a look at ourselves? What is holding us together? Are our family supports properly fixed into place? Is our compass giving us a proper bearing to our goals? How is our engine of faith running? Are the fuel lines plugged with any filth? Have the stresses from our flight caused dents and missing rivets in our self-esteem? Sometimes we may feel so unable to steer, we begin to wonder if we should grab our parachute and open the cabin door. 
Life's good.
Damage happens. Sometimes a whole flock of problems fly into your plane get plastered on our windscreen and chopped in the propellers, and there wasn't anything you could have done to avoid them. Other times it only takes one small pigeon of hurt or remorse to cripple our flight. Just because something blasted a hole in our hope, or our self confidence is stalled out, doesn't mean we shouldn't, or rather can't, make repairs. And in come the checklists. 
Life's good. 
I have friends who have come from broken homes, struggle with their spouse, been raped, abused, drugs, and affairs. It's a myriad of sad stories. It took them one step at a time. They rebuilt their lives by knowing their potential to fly to great heights. They knew they were worn down, but they also knew that broken things can be replaced. They knew Life's Good. One girl who was raped told me she was tired of having her happiness sucked out of her. Her healing stirred up memories of the event. But she knew she needed to leave behind the things that were holding her down. One by one she patched her holes. Replaced her engine. Cleaned out her lines. She's still not flying quite yet, but getting closer. 
Life is good. Please guys, if something is keeping your life on the ground replace it. Make repairs. Let people who love you into your life. If it's broken, fix it. Don't keep sitting around with the hurt. Don't waste time. You only get one shot at this life. Start soaring, start living. When you have that freedom, that smile, and good feelings knowing you've made yourself better. You'll know.
Life's Good. 

I've Lost My Mojo!

Dang. August is half over, I can't believe I've been down here for 3 months!  Thats nuts! My classes start in 7 days! So far the move down here hasn't lived up to the hype. I've really been struggling to find new friends. I don't know if it's something in the water or what, but I've lost my mojo! I turned in to a shy little wall flower! It's a pretty big shock to my personality to go from a social butterfly who's always rock climbing, eating sushi, relaxing out by the river, all with friends!  To a guy who wakes up, goes to work, comes home, eats dinner and all the while hoping that someone calls. But in a way, I guess it's kind of a good thing. Once school kicks in I'll be pulling 17 hour days. Awake at 6 in bed at midnight... Every day. I won't have time for friends. And it really really scares me to say that.
I really started falling for this girl, but I just won't have time to give to a relationship now. I want nothing more than to take her out and introduce her to the STUD known only as Ryan Freakin Merrill, but it wouldn't be fair to either of us. And besides as I mentioned earlier I lost my mojo! Haha I feel so embarrassed when I talk to her. Geez! It's like freakin high school all over again! What happened to the guy who made it a point to get the number of every new girl in the ward??? Hahaha. I miss him! 
I'm excited to be able to be moving forward with my life and career, I've been saving up for a house when I get done with school. Hopefully I'll be able to get a chunk of land that I can have a small garden and a few animals. Namely my dog :) 
18 months and I'm there. If a single mom working full time can do it, then THIS single guy can do it. Bring on the Schoolasticality :) I eat stress for breakfast. 

Power Up!

I was standing in front of the mirror tonight getting ready to go out. I looked at my reflection long and hard. I asked myself "Who are you?" my humor engaged and my answer was "I am number five.".
I've always loved superhero movies. The good guys get to blow stuff up with their mind, turn invisible, Run with super speed, you name it! When I was a kid I would pray to Heavenly Father, and beg for super powers. I promised and promised and swore cross my heart hope to die, that I would never ever flip to the bad guys side. I would only use my powers for good things. To help people who needed it.
When I was 13 I got the answer to that prayer. The very first words of my patriarchal blessing. "You are a special person"
Everybody I've ever talked to describes me as "The Nice Guy" and who wants that right? I'll take adjectives like funny, energetic, or random before I'd settle for "nice". My parents and grandparents have drilled into my head that I need to treat others how I want to be treated. If I was having a bad day, I'd want someone to talk to. If I was sick in bed, I'd want someone to come visit me. Or if I felt upset about myself, I'd want someone to pick me up, so that's what I do... In fact I make it a point to put myself in others shoes and act from there. I believe there are no such things as bad people, only good people doing bad things. One of the most influential friends in my life has been in jail, drinks regularly, and has a mouth that would make a sailor blush. His humor is unrivaled. His confidence is my inspiration. He told me once when he was very drunk "People are like campsites, you always want to leave them better than you found them."
A girl I dated was a single mom. The kid's punk father bailed out on her as soon as she told him that she was expecting. She is the strongest person I've ever met. One time when I was playing with her kid, she asked me "what is wrong with me, that would make him leave?"
A hard question.
Where am I going with this? We ALL have superpowers. Our own strengths. As we grow up we experience changes, and we discover these awesome gifts we have. Superpowers like laughter, personality, spunk, character, creativity, honesty, and virtue. These are some claws that will make Wolverine look like a house kitty. You have them. All of them. You are the combination of every comic book rolled up into a celestial, beautiful package.
But as all superheroes do, we have our weaknesses. Our kryptonite. And that is self doubt. Don't give in. Stay away from THAT dark side. Sure you'll get a red light-saber, but it's not worth it. I tell you what I told that girl. "The only thing wrong with you, is that you think something is wrong with you." be strong. Make this world a place that you want your kids to be in. A place you WANT to be in. Change the world by being you. Reach out. Be there. Visit them. Call them. Cheer them up. Don't just learn names, learn people. And when you do your telepathy will be able to make people smile a million miles away.
Power up! :)
RSM

There's One in Every Crowd :)

That song has pretty Much summed up my life here in Phoenix. If you wanted a brief overview of my life you could crank up the song "Back When I Knew It All", "Country Man", or "All My Friends Say"
If you know me well, then you know I don't like to sit still. I think before I talk, but act before I think. I'm a responsible reckless kinda person. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.
About 2 weeks ago I was chatting with my bestest best friend EVER Josh, and we got on the subject of schooling. See, Josh graduates this month from his aircraft school this month, and he was telling me about all the fun stuff that he's going to be paid to do. I said "that sounds fun!" and it all started right there. I've enrolled and already got half my tuition saved up! I'm excited because it's something that I love to do. Working on engines. However I HATE Tucson, which is where this school just so happens to be. I mean I really don't like it. The streets are weird, the drivers are HORRIBLE. And it just feels a little trashy. I'm really going to hate moving away from my friends. That is the biggest thing for me. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a heart 3 sizes too big, and it's going to be torture moving away from them. On the other side, I'm stoked to meet new people! I'm really excited to be able to attend a REAL singles ward again! Can't wait to get some new phone numbers into my trusty LG. I hope Walgreens will be flexible and let me transfer down there rather than trying to find work at another pharmacy. We'll see! I'm nervous, but excited. Sad, but happy. It's one of those bittersweet things. I need to move on, but I love where I'm at. I really was hoping to find Mrs. Merrill up here. There were a few prospects, but now only one application left. Otherwise I'm gonna have to open apps in Tucson! Ugh! Hahaha. Well that's all thats on my mind right now. Hopefully some more good news to follow! :)

It's rough, ripped knees, but head held high.

It's been a hard couple of weeks. Really hard. At one point I just threw my phone under my bed and left it there for 2 days. Nobody wanted to talk to me and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I've been battling my depression again. It's hit full force and no medication to help me this time. Between the breakup, untrustworthy friends, coming home from Christmas, and lost self confidence, I wasn't sure that it could get much worse. I just want to be back to the person I was 7 months ago. But I caught a break as I've been reading these new books. "The Hunger Games". They've been my escape. Go figure... Haha a book that's about fighting to the death is what is making me smile. I've got to get away from this place. I've tried hard to help people. Tried to make them smile. My humor, attitude, just myself in general, doesn't seem to merit enough credit for others to want me around. I need a new crowd. I know my potential. I'm freakin awesome. Not to sound conceded, but there isn't another country boi quite like me. I got scars on my hand from barbed wire and I wear an Abercrombie jacket. I got a muddy, sweaty cowboy hat that hangs next to my "Monster Energy" cap. I'm the best of both worlds. I'm Ryan Freakin Merrill! Boo yeah baby! Yeah I've made some mistakes, but who hasn't? I raised a little hay in my day (yes the grass, but the "trouble" kind of hay too). Don't dismiss me because I'm not the convenient "normal" guy. I've got my head on my shoulders, I know where I'm going. I want people around me that can be there for a lifetime. I know what I want and that's a family of my own. I'm not the creepy dude in the singles ward that just wants to date so that I can propose! No! Besides - that slot is already taken! Hahaha. I just want to find someone who can have fun - someone that I can have a blast spending the rest of my life with. I'll find her... Each "no" is just one closer to my "yes". But in the meantime I need the support of good friends. They've been scarce lately. Been let down by someone I've known for almost 6 years. That hurt the worst. Didn't know he could stoop that low. And didn't even man up to it either. Sorry for venting, but it just needed to come out. I need change - is there a bailout program for this?? I'll keep wearing out my knees in prayer. I've got Sooooooooo much to be thankful for. I'm so blessed tho have a father in heaven who loves me. He's getting me through this. It will be alright. I've already made up my mind about that! Until then... Chin up. "Be tough Ry-guy" as my grandpa used to say. Be tough....